


getting there

by thisprentiss



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Homophobia, I love making these children gay it honestly gives me life, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Queer Themes, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 18:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8068111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisprentiss/pseuds/thisprentiss
Summary: snippets about the team coming into their identities and figuring themselves out





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends please go to the queerminal minds tag on tumblr, it's honestly my life blood  
> as always, i'd love to get comments on this, but pls...pls,,..dont be mean to my fragile soul,...,,if u disagree with my headcanons thats ok..,.,,but dont comment rude things  
> anyway i hope someone out there enjoys this bc 90% of it is just my trans ass Craving That Representation™
> 
> couple of things abt this chapter, we've got some homophobic/transphobic gideon, a couple of vaguely described instances of other transphobia, mention of abortion, & a very vague reference to child abuse

Her sister Rosaline was the first person Jennifer told when she started getting a crush on a girl.

She was too young to understand what society had to say about that, but too old to know that she didn't just want to be friends with this girl. Rosaline had gotten excited with her, talked about it for hours, helped her pick out an outfit for school the next day to make sure she looked extra pretty. _To impress Abigail,_ she'd said, braiding Jennifer's hair into some fancy twist she'd learned from a friend.

Abigail was her first crush, and with some stroke of luck, her first kiss too. Then she went on to be Jennifer's first girlfriend, holding hands with her in the park and calling her to talk over the phone for hours.

Jennifer thought it was sort of a horrible coincidence that Abigail and her family moved to Wyoming just a month before Rosaline died.

 

* * *

 

Sara Lee Hotchner was one of those girls whose body started developing early. _Really_ early.

His hips were getting wider and his chest was getting bigger, and by the time he was in sixth grade, he'd already been branded a slut just because of his bra size. By eighth grade, his growth spurt had leveled him off at a solid six feet tall, so having gangly limbs that made his skirts look too short didn't exactly help. He begged her homeroom teacher to let him wear the boys uniform, but none of it paid off.

He hated the overly femenine look the kilt and knee high socks gave him.

And things were even worse at home; when word of who he 'slept with' or what boy he punched for making up a rumor got back to her father... well... it got bad enough that his mother finally snapped and sent him to boarding school for his freshman year.

 

* * *

 

Despite the fact that her mother was never home to act disappointed, Emily still felt dirty and wrong bringing girls into her bedroom.

She knew what people thought about girls that kissed other girls; it was bad. It was horrible. It was a _sin._

And it was a desperate attempt to make herself _normal_ that completely ruined her life. When they moved to Rome she was only fifteen, and she latched onto the first boy she could find in the hall at school. She flirted with him, took him out to dinner, and then hooked up with him in the bathroom of the restaurant.

 

* * *

 

_"Morning, Jason!" David smiled as he walked into the BSU office. Jason didn't even lift his head off the desk as he grumbled something that sounded like, 'is it really?' "I brought you a muffin if you want one."_

_No coherent response. From where he was standing, David could see a copy of some birding magazine lying in a heap next to Jason's head, several stolen diner mugs that probably once contained coffee surrounding that area. He let a small smile slip onto his face. Jason really looked cute with his head in the fold of his arm trying to get some much needed sleep on a desk._

_That thought made David's smile fall._

_Jason was his best friend, had been his best friend for years._

_It was really terrifying to think that he might have a crush on him._

 

* * *

 

Spencer wasn't like other boys.

They never looked at girls and thought about sex with them, or even kissing them, really. All they could think about was how much they wanted to be like them, wearing skirts and flats and blouses, fancy dresses to fancy parties.

When they told their mom about those feelings, she was completely accepting, despite the fact that she said it was probably due to their autism. "You get a lot of confusing feelings, Spencer," she'd said, pulling them into her lap so she could read to them.

Eventually, by the time they were in college, they worked up the nerve to wear a skirt out in public. They'd always looked so femenine that the most they got were some odd stares, but it was enough to make them too anxious to dress like that outside of their apartment ever again.

 

* * *

 

Jennifer started going by JJ when she was seventeen.

A lot of people asked her _why_? _Jennifer is such a beautiful name!_ And she really didn't know how to explain it to them. She just... didn't _feel_ like a Jennifer.

She didn't feel like a girl all the time. It was hard to describe. JJ just felt better than Jennifer, and that's all she knew.

 

* * *

 

_David really liked kissing. He didn't care who, he didn't care when, but he absolutely lived for the feeling of his lips on someone else's, hands tangled in another person's hair. He was a junior in high school when a girl introduced him to the concept of bondage, and a senior when a boy had him cross dress._

_Both were unfortunately fun incidents._

 

* * *

 

"Ethan, cariño, what are you wearing?" Mr. Garcia was squatting down in front of his adoptive son, a look of confusion on his face. Ethan, a small chubby child of nine, shrugged and shuffled on her feet.

"It was in my dress up box, I thought it was pretty," she mumbled, not meeting her father's eyes, "Sorry papa, I'll change."

"No, no, it's alright! You look lovely!" Mr. Garcia exclaimed as Ethan tried to run back down the hall to her bedroom, "You can wear that to church, don't worry about changing. I love it." The kid's eyes lit up, and she was smiling wide. "Maria, nena, come in here! Ethan esta un modelito!"

Mrs. Garcia came around the corner trying to tie up her dark curls, and she looked completely floored when she saw Ethan in the pink dress from the dress up box. "Ay, Ethan, you look wonderful!" she grinned, picking her up and spinning her around. "I have the perfect shoes to go with that in the attic, hold on a second."

 

* * *

 

"Pregnant!?"

Emily shrank back from her mother's glare, flinching like she'd been physically hit. "I mean..." she trailed off, unable to get her voice above a whisper, "Not really... not..."

Throwing her hands in the air, Elizabeth gave her daughter a bitter laugh. "You can't ' _not really_ ' be pregnant, Emily! You either are or you aren't, so tell me right now if Father Deltano told me the truth. Are you pregnant!?"

"I-" Emily bit the inside of her mouth, fighting back tears, "I _was._ I was pregnant."

"But now?" Elizabeth demanded, obviously not understanding what Emily was implying.

"I got an abortion."

 

* * *

 

"Don't tell mommy, but I have a crush on someone," five year old Derek Morgan was in the back seat of his father's patrol car, lunchbox sitting on his lap.

"Oh really? What's her name?" his father asked, making Derek laugh.

"It's not a girl, daddy, his name is Em, he's in my class."

 

* * *

 

It was her twelfth birthday, just two years after she decided that she wanted to be the Garcia's adopted _daughter_ instead of adopted _son_ , and she was looking through the yellow pages for the fiftieth time that day.

"Sweetie, what are you looking for?" Mrs. Garcia asked, leaning over the back of the chair where her daughter sat. "Names again? We can take you to get a book of baby names, you don't need to search the yellow pages."

"There's a lot of good names in here mama," she said, rolling her eyes behind a pair of thick frame glasses, "I just haven't found one yet. Besides, I'm transgender, not pregnant."

Mrs. Garcia laughed, a comforting sound, and then squinted at one of the pages. "How about Jennifer?" she suggested, pointing to one of the women's names. Her daughter wrinkled her nose. "No? What about... Agueda? Nice Spanish name?"

"Agueda sounds like abuela, and I'm not gonna get nicknamed grandma just because my mom wanted me to have a 'nice Spanish name'," she said. Mrs. Garcia shrugged, waving her hand.

"Suit yourself. How about that one? Penelope," she suggested, and smiled when her daughter didn't make a face. "Think about it."

"Penelope," she tried it out on her tongue, nodding to herself, "Penelope Garcia. _Penelope_ Garcia. Pen. Penny? Penelope. I like it."

 

* * *

 

_Everyone called her Strauss. And she liked it that way. She liked how authoritative it made her sound, how absolutely professional. There was no 'Ms' or 'Ma'am'. Just her last name, like all the males in the FBI. If Jason Gideon could just be 'Gideon' then she was just going to be 'Strauss'. After she nearly punched another agent that dared to be demeaningly sexist to her, no one in the bureau was brave enough to try and call her otherwise._

_No one but David Rossi, of course._

_His obnoxious ass strolled it's way up to her desk in the bullpen every damned day, rolling his tongue and sitting on her papers while he tried his best to flirt. Every day he came in wearing some floral scented perfume and a fitted black suit, and every day she rolled her eyes and went back to work. Erin. The name dripped off his tongue in that fucking annoying voice of his that made her both really pissed off and really horny._

_She thought he was attractive, of course she thought he was attractive. But she had absolutely no interest in a relationship with him._

_"You're not special," she told him in a dry voice, "I've never wanted romance with anyone. Get off my supplemental report."_

_It didn't stop him from trying, though._

 

* * *

 

Sara Lee was out on the roof of the school with another girl named Anne, both of them smoking and wrapped in blankets under the night sky.

"She literally accused me of being a guy. I've seriously never been more pissed off in my whole life," Anne groaned, taking a drag of her cigarette and blowing the smoke out the side of her mouth. "I mean sure! I've got short hair! But I'm just a chick with short hair, not a guy! It shouldn't be that hard to tell the difference!"

Exhaling a cloud of grey, Sara Lee gave Anne an odd look. "I really don't see what the big deal is. So she thought you were a guy. You left. End of story."

"That's not the _point,_ Sar," Anne said with slight irritation in her voice, "You don't get it, you don't have to _try_ to look femenine. I mean yeah you're tall, but you've got tits to the next galaxy. Wouldn't it piss you off if somebody looked at you and called you sir or something?"

"I mean it's happened before," Sara Lee said, "After the softball game that one time. It's not really that bad."

Anne looked absolutely appalled. "Man what the _fuck?_ That didn't get on your nerves at all? Didn't even make you a little uncomfortable?"

Sara Lee just shrugged, "Not really. Before the girls came in I used to get mistaken for a boy all the time."

"And you don't _care?_ "

"I don't see why that matters, Anne! I get where they're coming from, I've got a really masculine style. I'm taller than half the guys I've ever met. So what if they think I'm a guy," Sara Lee said, staring to get tired of Anne's interrogation. "I've always been one of the guys. I hung out with the nerdy guys in middle school and now I play a lot of sports. I'm... I don't know, like just a really butch lesbian. That's just... how it is."

 

* * *

 

 _"Am I just supposed to be okay with you fucking me over a couch and then calling me slurs two days later!?" David had tears in his eyes. He was screaming his throat dry across a desk at Jason, who had a sneer on his face. "Jason what_ am _I to you!? Are we even friends anymore!? What the fuck is your problem!?"_

_"You're my problem, Dave!" Jason snapped, "We've been good friends for a long time, but-"_

_David laughed bitterly. "But what? But you don't like me that way? But you don't wanna be seen out in public with a queer like me? But it was all just a great practical joke when you showed up here at two in the morning and had me suck you off!?"_

_"But I'm not gay!" he sounded half desperate, half enraged. Then he let out an exasperated sigh and rubbed the bridge of his nose, looking like he was about to speak to a child. "Look, Dave, I was... it was a bad day, I was- I was messed up, alright!? You were there, you spread your legs and I just- ugh, why do you have to make this so difficult!?"_

_"Because you're being an asshole, Jason!" Dave shouted, angrily wiping tears off his face, "I trusted you, I put my god damned faith in you when I told you about my sexuality and what'd you do!? You took advantage of me! You took advantage of me and I'm fucking mad about it!"_

_"Rossi, don't act like you wouldn't fuck everything with two legs and a brain," Jason scoffed, condescending._

_"That's not the point! Jesus, Jason, it's like you can't get it through your thick skull! You. Hurt. Me! You used me for sex and I'm fucking hurt!"_

_"Grow up, Dave, this is the real world, not your little queer fantasy where everyone loves everyone and the world is full of damn rainbows," Jason said through clenched teeth, "All you're gonna get is pity fucks and you're_ always _gonna be a last resort so you'd better get used to it."_

_Jason didn't even flinch when David stormed out of the room._

 

* * *

 

Derek really didn't want to admit that he liked other boys to the rest of his family.

He wasn't sure _why_ he was so nervous about it - especially considering his two gay older sisters - but it felt like a punch to his gut every time he tried to bring it up with his family. He thought he knew what they'd say; something about how it made sense that he'd be confused about his sexuality after... what happened to him. They might just say he's being dumb. Or faking it for attention.

It scared him to think about that.

But honestly, Derek knew they wouldn't say anything bad. They'd be loving and accepting and his mom would probably bake a cake just to celebrate having three for three kids turning out gay. He'd get dragged to all the gay club meetings at the community college with both his sisters, they'd fight off all his bullies, his mom would demand that she meet and approve of any boy he wanted to date...

Still. He didn't say anything to them about it. And it stayed like that until he was in his thirties when he let something slip at the dinner table while he was visiting.

 

* * *

 

Spencer cut their hair by themself when it started to get too long. They'd never done that before, snipping away at auburn locks with a pair of safety scissors, and it made them more than nervous. Once they'd finished, they combed it and felt a small amount of pride in their work, walking off to Quantico cheerfully.

The haircut wasn't too masculine, but it wasn't too femenine either; Spencer knew they always looked rather androgynous anyway, but having a good haircut only added to the look. It wasn't until they sat down at the table and Hotch made a passing comment that they started to feel self conscious.

It was a joke - a Hotch joke, anyway - something like "did you join a boyband?" and Spencer _knew_ he was just poking fun, but they couldn't ignore the sinking feeling in their stomach. _A boyband, right..._ it would've been funny on any other day. Just not that day. The rest of the case Spencer was fixing their hair constantly, checking windows and mirrors and any reflection they could find to make sure they looked alright.

When they finally got home from the case, shutting themself in their apartment and collapsing on the couch, they immediately opened up their computer and scheduled a professional haircut.

 

* * *

 

 _"I don't... I don't always feel like a guy," David said, playing with the bottom of his shirt. He'd never felt nervous around Jason before, but after their fight the other day, it was getting hard to say_ _anything, let alone something as big as this. "I sometimes feel like a girl. And... and sometimes I don't feel like either."_

_There was no response. David took another deep breath. "Jason, look. I know we're not... we're not really what we used to be, but... I just wanted to let you know that. Strauss from upstairs said that I should probably get that off my chest before... before I leave."_

_If Jason cared at all, he didn't show it._

_He just sat there and ignored him._

 

* * *

 

Emily Prentiss had finally grown comfortable identifying as a lesbian by the time she joined Interpol.

Once she was in the BAU, she was out and open to everyone within the FBI, knowing that between her mother's status and Strauss' secret mission, she was safe to say whatever she pleased without worrying about getting fired. It seemed like a natural thing to say now; gay jokes and constantly calling herself gay became part of her daily vocabulary.

Hotchner, the leader of the BAU... he really didn't seem to like her at first. Emily - though she wouldn't admit it to absolutely anyone - was actually afraid that he was homophobic. _Terrified_ , even. She knew she couldn't be fired by him, not when she was still the winning rook on Strauss' chessboard, but she'd worked under homophobic bosses before and it was not something she wanted to do again.

She didn't want to mention anything to him, or test his patience at all, but the idea of him hating her because of her being queer specifically... it was really plaguing her mind.

Until they were on a case in Seattle.

It was around two in the morning, and Emily was alone in her and JJ's shared hotel room. JJ herself was still at the local precinct with Reid and Morgan, and they weren't planning on coming back for another few hours. So she was more than surprised when she got a knock on the door.

"Coming!" she shouted, tossing a manilla folder down on the nightstand. She pulled open the door and almost instinctively slammed it shut when she saw Hotch standing awkwardly in front of her. "Um... hey Hotch."

"You're... um. You're gay, right? You're friends with a lot of... _queer_ people?"

Emily raised an eyebrow, wondering what made this presumably straight man think he had the right to use the word queer. "I am. And yeah. I'm pretty involved in the community," she said confidently, though her heart was pounding in her chest, "You here to threaten me or something? Because I've dealt with a lot of homophobes in the past and I'm not going to-"

"No! That's not-" Hotch cleared his throat, not meeting her eyes, "That's not what I wanted to ask. I- um. This isn't very good workplace conduct, you can't tell anyone if you-"

"I don't want to hook up with you. You're a guy. I am _gay._ Very much lesbian," Emily repeated, and Hotch seemed to turn red, mumbling something under his breath. _That's weird,_ Emily thought, _I don't think I've ever seen him look nervous before._ "Didn't catch that. Everything okay?"

"Is it... _inappropriate_ if I ask you to..." he looked like he was physically struggling to get the words out, "Help me... take my binder off?"

Emily couldn't stop her eyes from going wide, mouth falling open. She couldn't even manage to get any sentences to come out of her mouth at first, blinking and staring. Hotch looked absolutely humiliated.

"I'm sorry. That- god, forget that happened. Goodnight, Agent Prentiss," he said quickly, turning to leave.

"Wait, no, Hotch!" she shouted, pulling herself out of the shock. He looked back at her with something like _fear_ in his eyes; a fear Emily knew all too well. "Of course I don't mind. I'm so sorry, that was- that was really rude, I wasn't weirded out or anything, I just- yeah, come in."

She shut the door behind him and had him sit down on the end of one of the beds, waving a hand at his jacket and shirt. "Those gotta go, you know that. I'm not gonna judge, don't worry."

"Sorry to ask you to do this," Hotch said as he dropped his shirt and jacket on the bed next to him, "I was... I was just having a difficult time getting it off. I know I'm just going to be putting it on again before I go back to the precinct, but... I don't know, I wanted to be able to breathe for a few minutes, so-"

Emily cut him off with a concerned look. "How long has it been since you took it off?" she asked suspiciously, and Hotch shrugged.

"A few days. I've worn it for longer, but-"

" _Jesus_ , Hotch, that's _dangerous,_ " Emily said, sounding a little too much like a concerned mother. She didn't add anything else afterward, gesturing for him to lift his arms up and then managing to strip the binder off over his head. He didn't say anything as she handed it back to him and waited for him to put his shirt and jacket back on. "You feeling okay?"

He nodded, taking a few deep breaths. "A lot better. Thank you, Emily."

"Hey, it's no problem. Any time, honestly. And don't put that thing back on for at least another few hours, I'm not driving you to the hospital for cracked ribs."

 

* * *

 

"Oh shit, sorry," Spencer said, horrified that they had just run into someone on their first day at Quantico. She was a heavyset woman, nearly as tall as they were, dressed in some eye catching yellow garb with a flower in her hair. And she had just spilled tea all over herself. "You alright?"

"I'm- yeah, I'm fine!" she said, and Spencer wanted to slap themself for being surprised at the slightly deeper voice that came out of her. She seemed to realize it too, and cleared her throat. "I'm alright. That was my fault. My bad. Sorry." It came out sounding much higher this time, much more femenine.

Spencer gave her a broad smile, sticking out their hand. "Hi. Spencer Reid. They pronouns."

"Penelope Garcia," the woman said, taking their hand with a grin, "She pronouns."

"I really like your dress, where'd you get it?"

 

* * *

 

_Erin made a lot of threats, but for all the people she'd said she was going to punch, it really only happened once._

_And it was all David Rossi's fault._

_Of course it was their fault. What the hell in Erin's life_ wasn't _David's fault at this point. As soon as they told her about their conflicting thoughts about gender, not to mention the fight with Jason, she'd gotten... strangely protective of them. She was certain David thought the two of them were in a relationship - and considering the sex they had, they probably_ should _have been in one - just because of how much time she spent with them._

_It wasn't out of pity. It wasn't even for the sex._

_David was her friend. And since Jason wasn't going to protect them anymore, then god dammit she was going to._

_Even if that protection included hook punching a man on the street that was shouting slurs._

 

* * *

 

Penelope had never had an easy time growing up.

The older she got the worse the taunts got; people laughing at her lower voice and adam's apple, some accusing her of being a pervert and others saying she was trying to appropriate womanhood.

She trained herself to speak in a higher voice, started wearing the most absurd and colorful outfits she could buy, hoping that maybe feathers and polka dots would distract people from how hard she was trying. She completely immersed herself in the technological world, because _computers can't judge me like people do._

When she was recruited into the BAU as a technical analyst, she was a little more than glad that she could hide out in a little room all by herself for a majority of her work time. Sure, everyone was nice, but in the first few months of working there, the team was still a little nerve wracking to be around.

 

* * *

 

As soon as he was out of college, Hotch started working at the law firm, and he decided it was time to start completely new.

He cut ties with people he used to know - save for his brother and a couple of his oldest friends - and changed his numbers so no one would have a way to contact him. He spent all his savings on a couple of decent suits and a binder that he hoped would match his skin tone, using the leftovers to get a cheap haircut. He practiced introducing himself with his last name and all but drilled the name _Sara Lee_ out of his brain.

Haley bought four different baby name books to try and help him pick out a new first name.

 

* * *

 

"So if you aren't a man _or_ a woman-"

David cut her off, "Both. I'm a man _and_ a woman. Sometimes one or the other, sometimes neither."

"Right. Am I still bisexual if you're not always a man or a woman?" Erin was resting her head on her fist, tiredly staring at David from across her desk. He shrugged. "You can't just throw a bunch of terms at me and expect me to fully understand, David, I'm not as involved in the gay world as you are."

He laughed, reaching across the desk and squeezing her hand. "I know, Erin. Bisexual is two or more."

"But bi only means two."

"A bicycle with training wheels is still called a bicycle."

Erin narrowed her eyes. "Alright, you got me there. But how can I really be bisexual? I've only ever dated one person in my life, and it wasn't exactly something I'd like to do again."

"You can be bi without dating, Erin," David said, "I knew I was pan before there was even a term for it."

"But what if I'm not interested in any romance? Does that just mean I'm a bitch?" Erin asked. She knew he'd said something about a term with no romance, but she couldn't remember what it was at the moment. Or how it related to her.

"You might be bisexual aromantic?" he suggested. Erin rubbed her temples.

"This is too much to handle right now. Are you using any different pronouns today, or is it he/him again?" she asked, sitting up and pulling a pen out of her penholder. David smiled.

"Still he/him. I'll let you know if it changes."

"Good. Now get out of my office."

 

* * *

 

"So you're- you're gay, right?" JJ had come over to half-sit on Emily's desk, making her look up with a raised eyebrow.

"A lot of people start conversations with me like that. Damn. And yeah, I'm the resident FBI gay. What's up?"

JJ looked a little nervous. "This is gonna sound a little forward, but- you wouldn't be interested in going on a date some time, would you? You know. With me. Somewhere."

"Like a gay date?" Emily asked, surprised.

"Yeah. A gay date. Or I guess- it's a bi date on my half," JJ shrugged to herself, "So... gay date?"

"Gay date," Emily agreed. Now both women were smiling, and Emily held out a hand for a fist bump. "That sounds _awesome._ "

**Author's Note:**

> i might continue and do specific chapters for specific characters especially since jj and derek didn't really get as much screen time as i wanted them to when i started writing (im really bad at writing those two???)  
> in case there's any confusion, hotch's birth name was sara lee and garcia's was ethan


End file.
